Hotel bathrooms.

I understand this may be a touch inappropriate but it has to be said. If your ever running around town or otherwise away from your favorite seat in the house, and you have to throw down the ol' "Bent Getty" or some know it as the "Dalton Steamer". May I suggest instead of that nasty ass gas station or your local Denny's which are just like a gas station but with wait service. Check out a hotel in the area if you can. While I'm not going to book a $260 room just to take a shit, I find there common area restrooms are usually pretty clean. I prefer to use my own toilet, but I have to say I've "Poached" the JW Marriott a couple of times and have to say its quite nice. Nice marble bathrooms with full length doors and walls giving it a comfortable feel when you have to be away from home. Please do not abuse this privilege as it is one of the last bastions of civilized toilets away from the cave. The secret is to walk in like you belong there, head to the 2nd floor take care of business and head out the back door. Enjoy.

Get a mirror

What the fuck was this guy thinking?

Should I be concerned?

A new pet peeve of mine are these fucked up napkin dispensers that are out now. We've all seen them around, the ones in the long plastic sleeve that dispense one worthless napkin at a time. So I'm in Atlanta and my allergies have my nose running like a faucet stuck on open, when I approach the "Eco Friendly" napkin dispenser. Because of my nose situation one napkin would be the equivalent of giving a menstruating elephant a single Kotex. As I begin "finger banging" the napkin dispenser for more napkins like a farmer trying to extract a calf from a pregnant cows snatch; I notice the clerk looking at me like some middle aged pervert in a trench-coat trying to scalp tickets to kids at a fucking Hanson concert. Moral of the story, if you have allergies bring your own napkins.

Drunk business people

I've had a few cocktails and I'm laughing my ass off so if my punctuation, grammar and spelling are a little worse than usual, please forgive me. I'm sitting at the bar of an unnamed Newark airport hotel and I'm next to two of the funniest people I've ever seen. Now, they are not funny in the way 96% of the earths population would consider funny. They are funny in the drunk man/woman "sexual tension" between them business people sitting at a bar getting shit faced talking shit about co-workers funny. The guy has a fucking lisp, which is killing me, I'm trying to keep my composure but it's fucking hilarious. Anyway, the point of this blog is more primitive. The woman actually said a co-worker was doing "something stupid" and said she "threatened her" with a e-mail. As a person who has read the "Gates of Fire" and "Pope Joan" I find it hard to get the "I threatened her with an e-mail" comment. Back in the day it didn't even take somebody talking shit for someone to put a blade to your ass or throw you in a fucking dungeon. I guess the point of this blog is how times have changed, whether you think it's better or not is your own personal perspective. I have to be fair, who of us hasn't been down this road, who hasn't thrown a few back with a colleague and let some loose shit talking fly. If you say you haven't you're either full of shit, or have never been employed. I'm rambling now so I guess I should conclude this blog, but I wish these two would go fuck so I could have my last beer in peace.

Airport restrooms

While these disgusting petri dishes are a necessary evil, I don't think they need to smell like the only Porta-John at the county tractor pull. For example Denver International airport, the newest airport in the U.S. has one of the smelliest restrooms In the country. Why? It's not like this is Somalia, I can't figure out why they can't put in more fart sniffers and scent sprayers. This is a problem, and one that could be avoided. I understand the herds of nasty fuckers that have to take care of business can be overwhelming but this is America, we put a man on the moon for fuck sake. There is no reason we can't make a restroom in a airport smell a little bit better. While DIA is not the only smelly restroom hub, it is also lacking what Detroit and Chicago have figured out. The full length shitter. The ones that go almost to the floor, the ones that keep toe tapping, wide stance, three point taking a shit Senators from accosting unsuspecting stall users. Yes a modern society at times does not seem so modern. So I say stand up and demand a clean smelling, Wide stance Senator free facility in U.S. airports, we pay enough in taxes to demand such a little piece of humanity.

What are they thinking

I thought I had seen it all but if I had I guess writing this blog would be pretty useless. Now that I think about it this blog is pretty useless. Anyway, as I head into take a leak before catching my flight I walk past this fucking guy looking at a pie chart on his laptop while taking a piss. Let's review, now I've seen people checking out there phone while taking a piss but not a full blown laptop. How fucking important is this guy, well he could be some corporate raider, he could be getting the latest formulas in the cure for cancer or he is reviewing the latest nuclear launch codes. All possible but highly unlikely. Look if it's that important don't take a piss, if it can wait then wait for god sake. Word to the wise when you're taking a piss while staring at a laptop you look like an idiot.

A painful lesson

I love hot dogs, but sometimes the ones you love don't love you back, in this case it was a Colorado dog at a Avalanche hockey game. Being a Detroit Red Wings fan I could care less about the Ave's but I do enjoy the sport and it's a great excuse for hot dogs and beer. This is where this story goes south. A friend (an avid Ave's fan) and I were running late and decided to grab a bite at the the game. Two beers and two Colorado dogs. The Colorado dog has chili, melted cheese and jalapeños and I had some red onion thrown on for good measure. To most people this is a recipe for disaster but not for me, or so I thought. That fucking hot dog has haunted me for the past sixteen hours most of that time being spent on the toilet. I was almost late for work, I've been popping GasX like an addict and I'm still scared to death to eat anything, fearing it will not agree with the hot dog from hell. As I sit here writing this I realize there is a lesson to be learned. I now know I'm not 22 anymore, I can't eat whatever I want and I'm fatter than I should be. I have painfully come to understand the hot dog is not my friend anymore (at least not the ones with chili and jalapeños). I gambled and I lost and it took me almost shitting my pants to realize this, but hey there's still beer.